[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator