just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I am HOWLING at this
No. He’s not coming out to play
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword