Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
You Might Also Like
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work