just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
X-tra spooky blend
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.