@DanMentos: just taught my 3yo to sing "if you're happy and you've no wit, clap your hands" and then laugh at the people clapping
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@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
@LetMeStart: My outfit today says "I'm going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards." My outfit is full of lies.
@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
@trevso_electric: When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.