Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Oh no
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
RT if you could go either way.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.