Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You Might Also Like
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.