Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.