Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
No Google it does not
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work