Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Is this you?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”