Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
LMAO.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested