Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
This will never not be funny to me.