Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.