@robdelaney: Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes