Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”