@robdelaney: Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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@DrunksWithGuns: *Bar fight* Friend: you go high, I'll go low. Me: Ok. *friend tackles guy at waist* *me, singing falsetto*
@LoriGallucci: "Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"
@jannable9: I'm not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?