*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha