Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Vodka burrito was a success
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
everyone has that one prude friend
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon