@Tbone7219: Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I'm $10,000 in debt.
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@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
@IvoryGazelle: Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it's an initialism, because you can't pronounce it as a word. Mom: This is why you have no friends.
@lazerdoov: My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol
@ShortWhiteNUgly: An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.