Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Ha
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me