just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You Might Also Like
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*