I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Just got to our Airbnb!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.