Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
…u ok Nintendo?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.