Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Very good! 👍😂
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Lmaoo 😂
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out