I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Why is this me 😫
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”