[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
#Caturday
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city