Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Brands during Pride
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best