Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus