@jakob_huber: Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@truegritrumble: Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
@katy_fit: Remember kids, don't light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.