Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
You Might Also Like
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.