Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂