Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID