Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan