Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Who did it better?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Morning my dudes.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.