Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.