Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Terribly Tuesday.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
peep davidson
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.