Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
they split up moments later
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.