just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.