Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
There’s only one good girl here!
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.