Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.