Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
crazy
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*