Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house