Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Love it! 👍😂
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time