the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.