In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
What even happened today?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.