just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me sliding into hell like
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.