@ValeeGrrl: Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.
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@aveuaskew: Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
@dave_cactus: [at Red Lobster] WAITRESSES: *run toward me* ME: Red Lobster! WAITRESSES: *stop* ME: Green Lobster! WAITRESSES: *run* MANAGER: Okay, SIR...
@daemonic3: JESUS: [walks on water] JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it's only 40% miracle JESUS: You're killing me, Judas JUDAS: Actually..
@sarcasticmommy4: I'm just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids' school asking, "HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?"