Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
You Might Also Like
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My biological clock is wheezing.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My patience has stretch marks.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.