Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Nothing to do, you say?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Holy crap this is wonderful
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.