When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman