Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.