Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.