Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
these two trucks have the same bed length
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey