Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Ron is short for Aaronald
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding