Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Herpes is trending, good job people
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born