Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
i love modern commerce
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.